Charlie Colgan isn’t to blame for all the mistakes made by … uh … Charlie Colgan.

Colgan is a former state economist (a job for which there appears to be no penalty for compiling a record of being thoroughly wrong) and is now an economics professor at the University of Southern Maine (an institution facing a severe financial crisis that nobody saw coming) and chairman of the Consensus Economic Forecasting Commission (the august body that periodically provides state officials with erroneous reports on economic trends, which are used to craft faulty forecasts of future state revenues, which become the basis for overly optimistic state budgets that have to be constantly revised downward).

But none of that turns out to be Colgan’s fault.

I’m a dog slut.

I admit that’s not an attribute I’m proud to list on my resume, but it still beats being called a “dog person.” Whenever I hear that term, I get visions of genetically engineered mutants incorporating the altered DNA of canines and humans. These Franken-beasts are compelled by their hybrid natures to run to the kitchen when they hear the can opener, bark furiously at the UPS truck and pee on the bathroom rug when they get overexcited. At cocktail parties, they greet strangers by sniffing their butts.

As a dog slut, I exhibit none of these tendencies. I just fall in love with virtually every pup I meet.

I have just finished conducting extensive scientific experiments that required me to wear a white lab coat, to order my deformed assistant to dig up corpses from fresh graves, and to combine common household chemicals in plastic soda bottles (which I inadvertently stored in my neighbors’ mailboxes, where police later reported numerous explosions causing considerable damage to several L.L. Bean catalogs – unfortunate accidents I was in no way responsible for).

Nevertheless, the results of my tests are indisputable.

I’m against reform.

I’m not against it because state government doesn’t need reform. Obviously, it does, as anybody who’s noticed the morass at the bloated Maine Department of Health and Human Services can attest. Then, there’s the bureaucratic nightmare that’s the state Department of Education. And the failed Dirigo Health program. The ineffective Department of Economic and Community Development. The redundancies at the departments of Marine Resources, Conservation, and Inland Fisheries and Wildlife. The heavily politicized Public Utilities Commission. The namby-pamby Commission on Governmental Ethics and Election Practices.

Suppose you lived in an alternative universe, and you needed toothpaste, so you could brush your alternative teeth and look hygienic. Unfortunately, in this imaginary world, toothpaste is a controlled substance, tightly regulated by the government for reasons (“It’s a gateway drug that leads to flossing and eventually to fluoridated water”) that are exceptionally stupid.

The clock struck midnight on a cold, starless night in January, 2011, signaling the end of Inauguration Day in Maine. Earlier, Republican Paul LePage had been sworn in as the state’s new governor, an event marked by exuberance and incoherence. As the festivities wound down and the remaining drunken Tea Party hooligans carried off the few intact antiques left in the Blaine House, an exhilarated-but-weary LePage retired to his private quarters, only to be confronted by:

It’s the message most Democratic legislative candidates don’t want to find on their voicemail:

“Hi, it’s Libby Mitchell. I’ll be in your area next week and thought it would be really great if we could campaign together. You know, knock on some doors, visit some businesses, make the rounds of the nursing homes to spread the word about how wonderful everything in Maine is gonna be when I’m governor.”

I’m not saying this is a reason to vote either for or against independent gubernatorial candidate Eliot Cutler, but have you noticed how he bears a distinct resemblance to Fred Flintstone?

Independent Shawn Moody of Gorham could become the next governor of Maine. Of course, all of the following would have to happen first:

Kevin Scott has some great ideas.

What he doesn’t have is a clue.

Scott is an independent candidate for governor, which could lead reasonable people (not me, but other reasonable people) to conclude he’s a crank. He probably isn’t, but somehow that notion lingers on.

Scott showed up on my doorstep recently with a six pack of beer and the weird belief that if he could convince me he’d make a terrific governor, that would enhance his chances of getting elected.