By Dick Matthews
This just in: officials in Phillips have announced that Phillips Phill and his philldren have been filched! So far few leads have surfaced as to what foul felons committed the fearful deed, but authorities did reveal that a ransom note has recently been received.
In the event you don’t know, Phillips Phill is a Troll who, during the day, turns to wood. His lair is The Little White Church (LWC) Antiques shop in Phillips where he resides with his diminutive elvish philldren. A naughty bunch (12 in all), the philldren delight in taking turns during the summer concealing themselves in area businesses, waiting to be found by shoppers. Last year, anyone who found one or more of them had their name entered into a monthly Troll Hoard drawing for 50 Phill Bucks, redeemable for 50 real bucks worth of merchandise in participating businesses.
The philldren’s plan was to scatter around Phillips during the Sandy River Business Association’s Welcome to Summer event, set for June 3 and 4. But for this season, the filching of Phill’s philldren – in effect, a foul kidnapping – has flung those plans into disarray. And while rumors run rampant in Phillips – and local facebook sites have lit up with the “findings” of so-called searchers – so far little of substance has surfaced. Authorities do say however, that the disappearance of Phill and his philldren from their lair sometime this winter has been a mystery for months, only now clarified by the receipt of a ransom note.
The note, a facsimile of which is reproduced here, says little more than Phill and the philldren have been “taken,” but suggests further information will be forthcoming. It also warns the owners of LWC Antiques, Becky and Todd Olson, not to “call the cops” and that they should “stay alert.”
Our readers may rest assured that all future facts and findings on the filching from Phillips of Phillips Phill and his philldren, as they filter in, will be faithfully featured here. As the note suggests, stay tuned.
How phun!