Letter to the Editor: People over policy

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My son is currently expecting his first child. While this is supposed to be a time for him to experience all aspects of the pregnancy, he has not been allowed to attend any of the prenatal appointments for his unborn child. Allowing a father to be part of the entire birthing process is an integral part of bonding between father, mother and child.

Why is it fathers AND mothers (sometimes siblings) are allowed into well child checks together? Does the policy change when the child is born? The mother is allowed to prenatal visits by default but why is the person that helped create the life, not allowed?

Both parents should be able to witness, participate, and enjoy ALL aspects of the birthing process. This includes appointments when the child is in-utero.

MaineHealth should be setting a standard of care not a standard of fear. To deny my son access to these appointments, the education and the support they provide is a disservice to him, the mother of his child, and his child. Allowing him to be present during prenatal visits as well as ultrasounds should be a right not a request.

I understand the importance of limiting exposure. The enormity of what is happening is frightening. I also understand the importance of common sense and performing due diligence. My anti-symptomatic son and his girlfriend, like couples everywhere, have been hunkered down during pregnancy to limit their own exposure, and yet, they are still “a risk”. My son is willing to be tested to prove that he is negative and he is also willing to don all appropriate PPE.

This is an opportunity for MaineHealth to ensure that patients and their loved ones are getting not only the medical care they deserve, but the emotional and educational support they deserve.

Stephanie Hopkins
Wilton

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11 Comments

  1. Ideally, of course, your remarks about the father participating would be quite valid.

    But we are at war…with an opponent which has killed more Americans than the Korean War plus the Viet Nam War plus the Gulf War plus the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. It has not yet caused as many deaths as the list of combat deaths (291,557) from World War II. But it is almost half way there.

    In a war, husbands may be called upon to miss out on some cherished parts of life, for the sake of the community as a whole. A husband may be drafted into the army.

    This disease is sneaky. It can infect someone without that person knowing it. It can be mild in one person while passing death on to another person. Is that the enemy ahead? Maybe yes, maybe no. But the general can’t take chances. Neither can the hospital.

  2. Here is the logic behind this policy while COVID-19 remains a risk. Exposure to medical facilities is limited to the mother and unborn child in the hope that if she does become ill the father is still able to care for the child. I’m sorry that the government hasn’t explained this well.

    For generations the Department of Defense prepared to assist our nation in managing a biological threat like COVID-19. As far as I’m concerned those measures developed to prevent the spread of disease through enforcement of mandatory mask orders and the like should have been put into effect nationwide some time ago. While I know some find this frightening it’s really nothing compared to the fear you’d be forced to live with if we lost control of the contagion.

    The government could do more to help alleviate the physical and psychological effects of the fear you’re forced to live with while COVID-19 remains a threat too. Personally, I find meditation effective as it allows us to confront our fears and learn to live with them instead of distracting us from them until they just become too much for us to take. Acupuncture and massage therapy help relieve us of the muscular tension that builds as we process fear too.

    The knowledge I share here was gained as I prepared to command forward operations for the Marine Corps and as I recovered from service. These measures have helped some of those most deeply impacted by PTSD recover, including a friend who regained the use of his legs after the muscular tension that caused it was relieved by them. They will help you, your son, daughter-in-law, and their unborn child if you choose to use them.

    You don’t strike me as one who attempts to deny the threat we face, but I’d like to address denial as we all turn to it first. As coping mechanisms go it’s the least effective and most likely to lead to risky behavior. Anger and bargaining come next as we continue to avoid facing the thing we fear. While acceptance means making changes we’d really rather not, it remains the most effective coping method we have.

  3. Has it not occurred to anybody that maybe the reason the father isn’t allowed in is because the mother doesn’t want him there.

  4. Stephanie, a friend just had a child last week in NOLA. He was allowed into the delivery room and stayed with his wife. In the room. Tthe only caveat was he couldn’t leave and come back in. Hospitals are accommodating the wishes of the fathers. The China virus is all over that city. That just manage it without drama.

  5. In the months and years that followed 9/11, as the political leaders who blocked the implementation of security measures that may have prevented those attacks blamed others for their mistake, I made an effort to promote a way forward that I’m certain would have served us better than the wars that destabilized much of the world. That way forward was informed by the testimony of defense experts rather than by popularity, as the way chosen instead was.

    As we respond to COVID-19 I see many arguing that the desires of the populus should once again come first and I’m reminded of how that turned out the last time. As I do this I look out into the world to see how other nations are dealing with this threat and I see that those who follow the advice of experts outperform those who do not. This evidence has me convinced that the only way forward is to support those experts and the policies they recommend.

  6. Kam and Jay,
    The severity of this disease is not lost on me. I work In Healthcare and participate daily in safeguarding my patients, and the public, from COVID-19. I also ensure that my patients are being provided care that includes compassion and support.
    With all due respect, it’s 2020. Mindsets have evolved. My battle is with the minds that have not. The minds that are unwilling to look beyond fear. The minds that are willing to sacrifice with no questions asked. You both refer to war. In times of war, yes, we are expected to make sacrifices. But shouldn’t we also challenge ourselves to find creative initiatives that can turn those sacrifices into productive acts of humanity.
    My son is not in the military nor has he been called to war. He has been called by his crying girlfriend to be told that he cannot hear his baby’s heart beat or see its image on a screen.

    Let’s think outside the box for a minute. Let’s look past the fear and into the future. We have tele-health capabilities. Why is this not an option? It seems so simple and yet, as a society, we complicate it beyond all reason. Please dont respond with HIPPA and proprietary arguments, they are not valid.

    Jay, your “logic” infers the policy is government issued. Incorrect, it is the choice of the institution to interpret government recommendations and enforce them how they choose. It is my opinion that MaineHealth has chosen poorly and should reconsider their policy.

    I hold fast to my belief that it is the right of the father to be present at his child’s appointments. There are ways to provide access that do not create a health hazard. My son is being kept from experiencing one of the greatest events of his life.

    Innovation ignites in minds that seek improvement. I challenge MaineHealth to seek improvement: Embrace the technology at hand and provide care that will give the patients the emotional support that should go hand in hand with their medical care.

  7. If you are talking Franklin Memorial Hospital they took a huge step backwards when they became affiliated with Maine Health.

  8. I’m a firm believer in science – we should mask when inside (or outside when social distancing is impossible), there should be precautions. But we also need common sense. if we were in the epicenter of a huge outbreak I’d say perhaps draconian measures are in order. But here in Franklin County I think a father should be able to be present at a child’s birth.

    I mean, that’s probably less dangerous to public health than just one yahoo deciding not to wear a mask at Walmart because it impacts his or her “freedom.” Indeed, I bet every day we can see hundreds of interactions that would be less safe than a father present at a child’s birth. So yes, follow science, take precautions, take COVID seriously. But also, we need common sense and a bit of balance.

  9. That is terrible and I fear that many “small” things like this have and are happening that is just making life very difficult for many. I feel bad for all three, son, daughter in law and unborn child….Dad should be allowed in with them.

    I Hope they can figure this out and allow him to be a part of this…

    Kam
    August 7, 2020 • 12:41 pm
    Ideally, of course, your remarks about the father participating would be quite valid.

    In a war, husbands may be called upon to miss out on some cherished parts of life, for the sake of the community as a whole. A husband may be drafted into the army.

    Quite a bit of hyperbole here, I really hope Guberment is not declaring a War on Death…We have a war on poverty that created more poverty, War on drugs that created more drug addicts, A war on terror has created more terrorists. If they declare a war on death or disease using history as a guide- We would have more death and disease.

    Jay
    August 7, 2020 • 1:25 pm
    Here is the logic behind this policy while COVID-19 remains a risk. Exposure to medical facilities is limited to the mother and unborn child in the hope that if she does become ill the father is still able to care for the child. I’m sorry that the government hasn’t explained this well.

    So we cant trust a doctors office or hospital with all protective gear on but trust us wal-mart and burger king are safe! I am sorry about the government as well.

    The chances both would come down with covid case sever enough to hamper caring for the child is less than them both getting struck by lightning…And I am sure they would make plans for that IF it were to happen Without (gasp) government help.

    For generations the Department of Defense prepared to assist our nation in managing a biological threat like COVID-19. As far as I’m concerned those measures developed to prevent the spread of disease through enforcement of mandatory mask orders and the like should have been put into effect nationwide some time ago. While I know some find this frightening it’s really nothing compared to the fear you’d be forced to live with if we lost control of the contagion.

    I respect your service.

    Would you care to explain how or why countries without lockdowns or mask orders have nearly same death numbers for Covid? Some may find it frightening and others may find it bizarre to do something without proof of outcome and that generations of study has said was ineffective and possibly counter productive.

    Some of us have worn masks for work before Covid, such as asbestos removal workers- whom had to be fitted for mask (no facial hair) and per OSHA guidelines would need to have a breathing test done to find out if it was safe for them to wear a mask for 8hrs or more per a day.

    If it hasn’t been removed yet- you can do a search on this for yourself.

    The government could do more to help alleviate the physical and psychological effects of the fear you’re forced to live with while COVID-19

    I am amazed at the power you would like government to have over people, “They would alleviate the physical and psychological effects of the fear you’re forced to live”

    Maybe if the government appointed someone for each person to come to our homes and make sure we stay safe and do good things while alleviating the effects of bad things, for example They could make sure we stay home unless we need to go to wal-mart. Plus this would create a new acronym agency and provide some more government jobs! Win, Win and Win!

    I think you have convinced me- The chance of two parents being stricken with a sever case of Covid (still being less than the chance they are both struck by lightning) because they both went to a medical facility together is much too high for the father to be involved.

    Now…what to do about lightning…maybe form the LPA (Lightning Protection Administration)

    Jay
    August 7, 2020 • 6:26 pm
    As I do this I look out into the world to see how other nations are dealing with this threat and I see that those who follow the advice of experts outperform those who do not. This evidence has me convinced that the only way forward is to support those experts and the policies they recommend.

    Which experts? Your again acting as if everyone agrees MASK and LOCK DOWN! They do not and death numbers in countries without masks and or lock downs are not severely different.

    What your really saying is “The experts shown to me by the media i watch all agree” which is a far cry from All The scientists and smart people agree!

    I am not trying to change your mind or be right or have you agree with me, Just trying to show that there is life outside of this box you have built for yourself.

  10. The son should/might be able to make a better case for his denied
    involvement than his mother and strangers

  11. @Stephanie

    I believe they’ve taken precautions a bit too far myself.
    It’s a bit ridiculous we can’t go into our appointments for our animals at the vetinarian office!

    I myself agree it would be nice to have my spouse with me during my child’s visits especially when they’re very stressful ones. We need emotional support. We definitely don’t get it from most of the staff.
    Good luck with your new grandchild Stephanie.

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