Politics and Other Mistakes: Faking it

6 mins read
Al Diamon

Maine has many serious problems, so it’s only natural the Legislature would devote all its efforts to finding solutions.

Except there’s nothing natural about the Legislature (warning: contains androids, invasive species and random bits of plastic), so it’s no wonder legislators dither away their time on insignificant matters. As everyone in this state knows, actual issues of importance are settled by referendum.

Shuffling complicated policy questions off on the voters frees legislators to cavort across the political landscape pursuing all sorts of mythical creatures. From Republican state Rep. Lawrence Lockman’s obsession with radical Islamic terrorists hiding in sleeper cells in Wytopitlock to Democratic state Rep. James Handy’s inspired effort to force dogs in cars to wear seat belts to GOP state Rep. Beth Turner’s bold initiative to allow people who don’t want emergency medical care to get “Do Not Resuscitate” tattoos on their chests to Democratic state Rep. Matthea Daughtry’s “An Act Regarding the Regulation of Rabbit Production for Local Consumption,” lawmakers fill their days with careful consideration of trivialities.

Which would be fine if these excursions into fantasy had no real-world consequences. But all too often they do. Thanks to Lockman’s xenophobia, immigrants are regarded with unwarranted suspicion. Handy withdrew his bill, but not before I got all paranoid about letting my dogs stick their heads out the car windows. Turner will have to answer to her right-wing constituents who think adding “Do Not Resuscitate” will alter the message conveyed by their chest tattoos of Steve Bannon. And Daughtry is going to catch flack from Christian conservatives convinced her bill will lead to condoms for cottontails.

But these concerns pale in comparison to the potential fallout from another piece of legislation proposing a solution to an imaginary problem. Republican state Rep. Bradley Farrin of Norridgewock (town motto: Radical Islamic Terrorist-Free Since 1788) believes our democratic system is under siege by squadrons of fraudulent voters.

In Maine’s 2016 election alone, there was one case of someone voting illegally. According to the Secretary of State’s Office, there have been four such attempts in the last 22 years. And those were just the ones who got caught. If we figure in the fake voters who escaped detection, the total could be 10 or more. That’s enough to change the results of this many major elections: zero.

Nevertheless, as Thomas Jefferson never said, the price of liberty is eternal vigilance (Jefferson actually said the price of liberty is $49.99 plus tax). Without safeguards, it’s only a matter of time before radical Islamic terrorists, unrestrained dogs, tattooed dead people and pregnant bunnies are sneaking into polling places and casting ballots. In Lockman’s hometown of Amherst, this could already be the case. Which would explain a lot.

Farrin’s bill would require all voters to show a photo ID. Acceptable identification would include a Maine driver’s license (not currently accepted by the federal government because counterfeiting it is easier than convincing rabbits to copulate) or a state-issued ID card (I got mine about 35 years ago, and, strangely enough, it’s still valid, even though it shows the wrong address and my hair is darker than a stereotypical radical Islamic terrorist). Anyone who didn’t have one of those would be eligible to receive a special free ID from the state at a cost to taxpayers of more than half a million dollars (which turns out to be the current inflated price of liberty).

There are a few problems with this plan. First, it would force ballot clerks across the state to look at thousands of extremely unbecoming photos. Mainers may be no uglier than the national average (looking down at you, Mississippi), but everyone’s ID photo, with the possible exception of Gisele Bündchen’s, is transformed by some secret government process into appearing to show a face that’s recently undergone an ineptly performed autopsy.

Second, anybody who’s going to the trouble of voting where they’re ineligible to do so is probably capable of obtaining false identification. They won’t mind the inconvenience. It’s part of the job of being a fake voter. They can probably write off the expense on their income tax.
Third, a law like this will stop some honest people from voting. And even one case of that is too many.

No ID required to email me at aldiamon@herniahill.net.

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17 Comments

  1. Anyone who thinks this country should keep our borders open to hordes of unvetted “refugees” from countries where we’re despised as infidels must have a Death Wish (which I have no wish to discourage!)

  2. Arnold:
    Thank you very little for the predictable xenophobic nonsense. I was under the impression that Trump voters relished being despised. Also, anyone who thinks the current administration is preoccupied with vetting, or work in general, has not witnessed a recent confirmation hearing. Please feel free to appropriately place a “Do Not Resescitate” tattoo on the GOP “health care” bill. Cheers.

  3. No refugees are “unvetted”. Even the Iraqi and Afghani interpreters and others who worked for the U.S. gov’t. wait for YEARS while they are vetted, many losing their lives and those of their family members to the opposition forces in those countries. Be very clear about the classification of refugee.
    “Refugees
    Under United States law, a refugee is someone who:

    Is located outside of the United States
    Is of special humanitarian concern to the United States
    Demonstrates that they were persecuted or fear persecution due to race, religion, nationality, political opinion, or membership in a particular social group
    Is not firmly resettled in another country
    Is admissible to the United States

    “The Refugee Process
    You must receive a referral to the U.S. Refugee Admissions Program (USRAP) for consideration as a refugee. For more information on the referral criteria, see the USRAP Consultations and Worldwide Processing Priorities page.

    If you receive a referral, you will receive help filling out your application and then be interviewed abroad by a USCIS officer who will determine whether you are eligible for refugee resettlement. For more information about eligibility, see our Refugee Eligibility Determination page.”

    ttps://www.uscis.gov/humanitarian/refugees-asylum/refugees

    That people who were living in the U.S. are now seeking refuge in Canada tells a sad tale of what is happening in this country.

  4. To Marie E….. Just wondering what your thoughts are/were regarding the wetfoot/dryfoot federal program…

  5. @glen: The “distinction” was always ridiculous.

    “There’s a popular saying in Spanish — O todos en la cama, o todos en el suelo. It conveys a selfless commitment to equal treatment, and translates roughly like this: Either we all get the bed, or we all get the floor.

    Among many immigrants in the U.S., there’s been a feeling that when it comes to the spoils of U.S. immigration policy, the government has given Cubans the bed all to themselves, while it has relegated others — Mexicans, Haitians, Central Americans — to the floor.”

    http://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/2017/01/15/509895837/end-of-wet-foot-dry-foot-means-cubans-can-join-ranks-of-the-undocumented

  6. If one doesn’t have the qualifications (or the ambition) to get a photo id they certainly shouldn’t be voting!

  7. On refugees: Marie is right, the vetting process in the US is the most intense in the world, usually taking 18 months to 3 years. That’s why we’ve accepted about 8000 refugees while Germany has accepted 800,000. Yet terror attacks remain rare – the idea of a “death wish” is absurd. 35,000 people die from car accidents each year. Over 40,000 commit suicide. We should be more afraid of ourselves than terrorists! 14,000 die in falls, 10,000 in gun accidents. Terror attacks? In the US it’s a handful. Even add Europe, and it’s still only a couple hundred. Fear, though, is often irrational. The column is absolutely right about voter fraud – it’s very rare and doesn’t impact elections. That fear is like the fear of refugees – people let their imaginations run away with them. But think: casting an extra vote isn’t likely to change an election. Going to the trouble to commit fraud and risk arrest for something so inconsequential makes no sense. If one really wants photo IDs, the federal government could create a national ID program whereby every citizen gets a free photo ID. They could require us to have it on hand at all times, so law enforcement could make sure there are no dangerous people. Then we could get used to be being stopped, with the request, “papers please.”

  8. Mr Erb, you should read Michael Knowles latest book. And if it’s so inconsequential why are democrats so afraid of a photo id? As I said before if you don’t want the photo id you’re either illegal or lazy. I don’t want either skewing the outcome of an election.

  9. Terror attacks committed by foreign nationals are rare(compared to domestic violence), so, what? We should wait until they’re not before doing something about them? Since China, Japan and Vietnam are 95% Asian, are they xenophobic? How about Africa? That continent is largely made up of black tribes are they xenophobic? There are tribes in South America that outsiders are forbidden to interact with, are they xenophobic? There are tribes in the Aleutian Islands that are Aleutian, are they xenophobic? I’m guessing not. But, if you live in the “western world” you are xenophobic if you want it to be as safe and productive and as prosperous as it can be. Liberal is slang for stupidity.

  10. Guess some people don’t know enough history. Japan and China were mortal enemies leading up to and during the WWII. China backed the North Vietnamese who succeeded in taking over the whole of Vietnam. Japan sees China’s “island building” in the So. China Sea as a “problem”. No. and South Korea are like 2 different planets. Why do some lump “Asians” all together and assume that they are “one big happy family”?

    The same goes for the continent of Africa which is ethnically and culturally very diverse.

    Some see the “western world” as ‘white only’ and get very disturbed if non-white people increase in numbers in their midst.

  11. So if this Farrin guy thinks there is a lot of voter fraud and he is a Republican, does that mean he thinks our Republican governor as well as Trump only got elected due to people voting Republican illegally?

  12. I didn’t lump all Asians together, as in one big happy family, Asian is the name of a group of people based on their DNA and physical make up. I suppose you would insult the whole lot of them by calling them Oriental. The countries I mentioned, are for the most part, compromised of Asians. So don’t try and construe my words to make it sound like you have a clue about how other countries, protect their bloodlines.
    Does anybody have a problem with the fact that Asia is 95% Asian? I don’t, people don’t because you never hear about it. But, if a “western country” like the US tries to enforce its own immigration laws we are seen as Xenophobic or the Liberals favorite word of the year, Racist. Now do you understand my first post?

  13. You don’t have to be western to be xenophobic. People have a fear of things different, that’s sometimes hard to overcome. Globalization means there will be a lot more travel and people are more mobile than ever. This is only going to increase in scope. The US is usually pretty good at recognizing that difference is not as important — people of all colors and ethnicities can become as “American” as any of us. We don’t have a racial, ethnic definition of “American;” in fact, within a couple decades people of “white/European” background will be less than 50% of the population. In Japan, and many areas of Europe this is a much more difficult problem to overcome. Still, welcoming refugees isn’t something to be afraid of, in fact, it will probably strengthen the country.

  14. Voter fraud? See democrat dirty trickster Scott Foval’s videos on motor voter management, and Robert Creamer’s videos on sending paid thugs and crazies to Trump rallies! Creamer visited the White House about 350 times in the last 8 years, and met with Obama over 70 times!

  15. Yeah, Seamus, try to make yourself believe that you lefties still matter and have governmental power after the thorough thrashing you got nationwide in November. Do you think the average person doesn’t know it? It’ll just get worse in 2018, but you don’t have to believe it or admit it. Republicans will govern, lefties can only whine, see how the Gorsuch thing goes. Supreme Court judges serve a LONG time, fighting Gorsuch just helps US!

  16. Re Erb:

    Mexican citizen Rosa Ortega blatantly registered to vote in 5 different cities in Texas. It’s bad enough that she was allowed to vote ILLEGALLY in 5 different polling places, but here’s the kicker…the portion on her license that identifies her as a non-citizen was also checked! Ortega was sentenced to 8 years in prison and will be deported to Mexico after serving her sentence.

    If it’s that easy, do you suppose Foval might be telling the truth about bussing voters around to vote all over the place? Are you familiar with the term “Street money!”?

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