What do terrorists want?
According to the CIA or some other equally reliable but possibly fictional government agency, every dangerous fanatic – from Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh to South Carolina church shooter Dylann Roof to Boston Marathon creepo Dzhokhar Tsarnaev – wanted exactly the same thing:
Food stamps.
Apparently, killing innocent people for hazy ideological reasons works up quite an appetite, but not much income.
Unfortunately for McVeigh and his ilk, there’s almost no chance of that dream coming true. One big reason: McVeigh was executed for his crimes in 2001, while Roof and Tsarnaev will likely face that fate in the near future. And even if they somehow escape lethal injection and win parole, they’ll be disappointed when they show up at the welfare office to apply for the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (the official name for food stamps). That’s because federal law prohibits convicted terrorists from receiving any government handouts that aren’t delivered in a needle with a skull and cross bones on it.
That just isn’t good enough for Bruce Poliquin, Maine’s 2nd District congressman and malware infection. Republican Poliquin has introduced a bill titled the No Welfare For Terrorists Act, which would ban anyone found guilty of merely assisting a terrorist from ever receiving food stamps.
Consider that dire consequence when delivering guns, explosives, pizza or toilet paper to your pal with the antisocial personality.
“What we are talking about are the most brutal acts of terror in America, the most violent acts,” Poliquin told the Lewiston Sun Journal, “and when those individuals leave prison, I don’t think we should be providing them welfare.”
When asked how many terrorists were currently receiving food stamps, the congressman admitted the number was zero. This might lead one to believe Poliquin’s legislation is unneeded. But he’s quick to point out that nearly 50 people are currently serving time for aiding terrorists, and some of them will be released in the next 25 years or so. The first thing these newly liberated assistant terrorists will do is show up at the Department of Health and Human Services demanding food stamps.
If this bill becomes law, they’ll find Poliquin’s legacy blocking their way – as much as the legacy of somebody of his modest stature can block anything.
The only problem with this zero-tolerance-for-starving-terrorists policy is that it doesn’t go far enough. It seems unlikely that the mere presence in federal law books of language placing SNAP benefits forever beyond the reach of true believers in whatever cause has inspired them to acts of violence will force them to reconsider their plans. Don’t expect a scenario such as this one to actually take place:
Terrorist: Go get me some guns, explosives, pizza and toilet paper, in order that I may exact terrible vengeance on ordinary people who have never done me any harm.
Terrorist Assistant: I can’t. If I’m caught aiding your nefarious plot, I’ll be ineligible for food stamps for the rest of my life.
Terrorist: Good point. Let’s play video games, instead.
No, Mr. Poliquin, your food-stamp ban is insufficient. If you want to deter potential terrorists, you’re going to have to amend your bill to include some much nastier penalties.
Such as:
No one convicted of aiding a terrorist shall ever be allowed to use an X-Box, Wii, PlayStation or similar device, nor shall they be permitted to download games to their tablets or phones, except maybe some really old versions of Candy Crush or Words With Friends.
Streaming video? Don’t make me laugh. Terrorist aides will have plenty of time to consider the error of their ways while having nothing to watch except programs on regular network television – and at their regular times, too. No DVR for you.
Government agents will cancel all accounts in the name of paroled terrorists with Pandora, Spotify, Sirius XM and even those awful music channels on Time Warner Cable. If they want to listen to tunes, they can play some of grandma’s vinyl records. Hey look, she’s got all the Partridge Family’s LPs, the Cowsills and loads of the Osmonds.
I hope that retro-entertainment overload doesn’t give them the munchies. Because their credit’s no good at Cumbies, and their food stamps have gone the way of Timothy McVeigh.
SNAPpy comments may be emailed to aldiamon@herniahill.net.
Another waste of editorial space
The difference between Michaud in congress and Poliquin in congress, is that Mike didn’t pretend to be doing anything constructive.
All in all though, I believe he did more for his constituents than Poliquin has so far, or will.
The bill to let teenage logging truck drivers hauling imaginary pulp logs to imaginary working paper mills didn’t get very far in the legislative process.
In all honesty, I do admit that when I found out that the Boston bombers had collected welfare, it really ticked me off.
IEveryone who feels so self righteous should remember Nazi Germany. They went after the wealthy and you hypocrites are blaming the poor. I’ve heard people complaining about having to help a relative. It’s only when it comes out of THEIR pocket, that they think twice and tell them to get food stamps. I’m sick of everyone bullying disadvantaged people. One solution? Quit your job and give it to them.
If this bill becomes law, they’ll find Poliquin’s legacy blocking their way – as much as the legacy of somebody of his modest stature can block anything.
Well…….Big Al sure puts him in his place.
Feel better now Al?
I agree Maineiac. Yet due to ‘car crash syndrome’ we both look every week.
An example of Poliquin’s penchant for keeping his name in the news as “doing something” for his constituents.
In response to the growth in food stamp dependence, Maine’s governor, Paul LePage, recently established work requirements on recipients who are without dependents and able-bodied. In Maine, all able-bodied adults without dependents in the food stamp program are now required to take a job, participate in training, or perform community service.
Job openings for lower-skill workers are abundant in Maine, and for those ABAWD recipients who cannot find immediate employment, Maine offers both training and community service slots. But despite vigorous outreach efforts by the government to encourage participation, most childless adult recipients in Maine refused to participate in training or even to perform community service for six hours per week. When ABAWD recipients refused to participate, their food stamp benefits ceased.
In the first three months after Maine’s work policy went into effect, its caseload of able-bodied adults without dependents plummeted by 80 percent, falling from 13,332 recipients in Dec. 2014 to 2,678 in March 2015.
Quadruple ditto…once again an almost pointless dull waste of editorial space,used to just attack current and voted in politicians that are trying to serve the will of the majority, not just in office to please the few cry babies. With so much more colorful choices of writing material on the recent politicos running all over the country trying to get nomination votes, one can only wonder the if this rag is really biased or balanced?
nuf said…
JL, have you not noticed, after all this time, that Al’s articles are nearly always related to politics in Maine, and Maine politicians. Nor, does he limit his comments to one party or ideology. It’s not his fault that republicans tend to be more open to ridicule than others.
If Poliquin has done anything to help his constituents, I would like know.
Arnold P. That’s interesting. I wonder if there is a difference in how the state determines what constitutes “able-bodied” vs what is realistic to expect those persons to be able to do?
I have known some people who appeared to be fine physically but were barely able to function mentally.
I have noticed several times recently, that there were people employed at large business that appeared to have some impairments, yet still worked and seemed to function well at their jobs. Kudos to them and to the businesses that hired them.
Who is surprised that Snowman is defending Al on this attack article…
Snowman…
The Reps “might” be leading the Dems in corrupt idiocracracy..
But it’s mighty close…
I mean we have a lunatic real estate tycoon trump on one side running for president against the corrupt criminal Clinton machine…plenty of ammo right there
As you acknowledged….. Al mostly rips the Reps though..
Which proves that he (and the BD) are in fact biased.
Hey listen…whats with all your defensiveness?
It’s not a crime to be biased..Go for it.
Hold your head up and quit whining.
Neither you or Al is changing anything.
It’s also not illegal to be wrong,,,keep it up.
So Al Diamon does not like Bruce Poliquin.
Al has made that very clear over and over again.
Fair nuf.
So when Emily Cain mindlessly repeats her mantra of ; “at the end of the day”..”I reached across the aisle”,,
I would expect the “satire” to flow from Al.
(Peyton says Omaha a lot…. Emily says..” that”,, when she has nothing else to say.. Which is often)..
Peyton wins football games…Emily wins,,,,??,(i got nothing).
Sharpen your satiracle pen Al….the best is coming soon.
Ditto;
I have noticed…in fact, too much so, that I actually stop reading his articles and stopped commenting, bc of the same fact as I have stated previously. This rag has become a whipping post and right wing/republican bashing medium. As you so eloquently just did, and as you and your little followers do on every occasion. Blamed republicans right away, not the institution, never offer a counter opinion or solutions, just blame the republican(s) and their solution choices or their implemented policies. Belly aching, complaining and bashing is the constant rhetoric, rarely if at any time, is there any blame or opposition on the other side or even criticism on existing policies that were implemented by the left by you or your worshippers?
nuf said…
JL, I actually, sort of agree with you.
I agree that Emily Cain was not, is not the right person to represent the 2nd district.
I haven’t seen Poliquin do anything yet for his constituents. He has worked hard for the people who gave him money. I am certain that he can continue to be the representative there for as long as he wants to be.
I am a bit leery of Hillary Clinton, but not for the reasons mostly put forth by conservatives.
I like a lot of what Bernie Sanders has to say, but doubt very much if he can get elected. If he did get to be President, I doubt he could accomplish any of his agenda.
Ted Cruz is a very smart man who is a lot like Joe McCarthy, except more cunning.
Rubio would fall apart if he had to confront the likes of Putin, or Netanyahu. First it was the water gulping in the republican response, then the performance the other night at the debate.
I could see Jeb Bush as Pres, but it doesn’t look like the country wants another Bush in the White house.
If Trump somehow managed to win, I would be off to another country.
Kasich? Maybe.
We’re in for some more economic trouble. It’s already begun, but it is going to get a lot worse.
That is usually the case, just when Maine begins to catch up, the economy drops.
Bravo as usual, but what’s wrong with vinyl and the Partridge Family???
Snowman moving to another country! Just secured many votes for Trump!