Politics & Other Mistakes: Keep out

I applaud Republican Gov. Paul LePage’s efforts to prevent Syrian refugees from being relocated to Maine. It’s not that I have anything against these people personally, but if they came here, half of them would be opening restaurants, and I hate Syrian food.

“The safety of Maine citizens comes first,” LePage said in a statement issued last week, “and it is about time the United States and Europe wake up to the nature of the threat against us in the form of radical terrorism.”

I’m not sure what the difference is between “radical terrorism” and the non-radical variety, although I assume the former involves hummus. But I’m concerned about terrorism of any sort, a problem that’s exacerbated by opening this state’s borders to all manner of violent and repulsive foreigners, many of whom are demonstrably more dangerous than Syrians – even when you take into account the falafel.

Here’s my list of ethnic types who should be denied entry into Maine in order to prevent them from infecting the state with their alien customs. And menus.

Residents of Baltimore: No question their she-crab soup beats anything in the Syrian recipe book. But members of the sect of Baltimoron are killing each other at unprecedented rates. There have already been over 300 murders in the city this year, which is more than this entire state sees in a typical decade. It’s obvious they wouldn’t fit in with our peaceful culture and instead should consider vacationing in Beirut or Nigeria.

Citizens of Vermont: They vote for socialists. They’d join the Maine People’s Alliance. They’d elect left-wing extremists as mayors of Portland and Lewiston. Oh wait, one of those already happened.

Citizens of New Hampshire: According to the Associated Press, more than half the convicted sex offenders on the Granite State’s registry of such criminals may be eligible to have their names removed from the list because of a recent state supreme court ruling. This strikes me as exactly the same problem we have in trying to sort out the legitimate Syrian refugees from the terrorists and cooks. Without some computerized way to verify who might be a sexual predator, the only safe option is to ban all New Hampshirites.

Donald Trump. Thank you, but we have our own homegrown source of irresponsible political comments, in the person of our governor. We don’t need any cheap foreign imports from New York. Speaking of which …

People from New York: They’re fans of Rex Ryan and the Buffalo Bills. They cheer for the New York Giants. They support the Yankees, and some of them even buy season tickets to the Brooklyn Nets (although no one can explain why). This is exactly the sort of sociopathic behavior found in terrorist profiles.

White people from the South: How do we know whether they’re racists or used to be racists or had relatives who were racists? Once again, there’s no data base we can check. As with the Syrians, it’s best just to go with the stereotype, and assume they’re all Ku Klux Klan members.

Black people: Finally a category that’s simple to sort out. We’ll happily accept African-Americans who can prove they have advanced degrees from major universities or trust funds worth at least seven figures or signed contracts to play for the Portland Sea Dogs or Maine Red Claws or bookings at one of our entertainment venues or proof of employment at some menial job. All others need not apply.

Swarthy people: Sure, they could just have deep tans. But let’s not take any chances. Before we let them in, we ask if they’d like a list of restaurants that serve the best fattoush. If they say yes, assume they’re wearing suicide vests.

Canadians: If you’ve seen one foreigner, you’ve seen them all. If we start making exceptions, we’re going to have to let Mexicans in.

Stupid people: We need to administer IQ tests at the border. Anybody whose numbers aren’t in triple digits gets told, “Thanks for stopping by, but it should be obvious from the intellects of the folks who drafted our immigration policies that we’ve filled our quota of idiots for this year.”

It might be easier to not let anyone in. Instead, they could email me at aldiamon@herniahill.net, and I’ll tell them what Maine is like.