Politics & Other Mistakes: Microbes in the running

My recent columns insulting U.S. Senate candidates provoked angry responses from unexpected places. Fans of other alleged contenders for the seat currently held by Republican Susan Collins demanded to know why I hadn’t pooped on their candidates, too.

To correct that oversight, I borrowed a scanning electron microscope and used it to carefully peruse the ballot. On the highest magnification, one at which bacteria appear to be the size of Labrador retrievers, I discovered faint traces of campaigns by somebody other than Collins and Democrats Sara Gideon and Betsy Sweet. I can’t say this was definitive evidence of the existence of the candidates profiled below, but I decided to err on the side of inclusiveness.

Democrat Bre Kidman is a lawyer from Saco, who embraces the stage identity of a “queer, feminist mermaid.” Kidman once put out an album of music, which a reviewer praised as “odd, dysphoric.” Kidman has appeared in photos seminude wearing a necklace of donuts. On issues, Kidman is well to the left of the other Democrats. Kidman’s website proclaims, “There is not going to be a more convenient revolution.” No idea what that means. I do know that Kidman uses the pronouns “they” and “their” rather than “she” and “her.” But I avoided that grammatical alteration because it’s confusing and because it makes it appear Kidman has more support than Kidman does.

Jonathan Treacy of Oxford, another Democrat, is a retired U.S. Air Force major general, who’s lived in Maine less time than it takes to watch the average Ken Burns documentary. Treacy wants voters to know his nickname is “Tracer.” He appears not to want voters to know anything about his positions on issues, instead relying on wispy platitudes such as in this recent newspaper op-ed: “By coming together we can bring Maine forward, providing our nation much-needed principled, practical leadership to the many issues from health care, climate change and women’s rights to secure jobs, the economy and education, to name but a few.”

Democrat Michael Bunker, a Bangor travel agent, filed papers to run, but has since refused to discuss his plans. Clever strategy.

Independent Danielle Ravyn VanHelsing of Sangerville wants to be the first transgendered member of Congress. To that end, she’s collecting returnable cans and bottles to fund her campaign. On her Facebook page, she says, “My goal in life is to salvage humanity as a whole.” Can’t be accused of a lack of ambition.

Two Green Independents are running. David Gilmore of Morrill is promoting alternative energy. Lisa Savage of Solon wants Bath Iron Works to stop making warships. Both support the standard Green agenda of impeaching the climate and providing Medicare for whales.

Tiffany Bond, an independent, describes herself as a “Political Nerd.” Bond ran unsuccessfully for the 2nd Congressional District seat in 2018 on a platform of refusing all campaign donations. She had so much fun losing that now she’s making a Senate bid, which you also can’t contribute to.

There are other unannounced Democrats on the fringes of my Petri dish. Rosa Scarcelli, a housing developer who ran unsuccessfully for governor in 2010 and has spent the intervening years engaged in various lawsuits with her family; Matthew Dunlap, Maine’s secretary of state, who tried for a Senate seat in 2012 without anyone noticing; and James Howaniec, a lawyer and former Lewiston mayor who failed to win a 2nd District congressional race back in 1994 when he was much better known than today.

Any other germs that escaped my notice should consider themselves lucky.

No comment emailed to aldiamon@herniahill.net is too insignificant to be ignored.