This isn’t the time of year to discuss politics.
This is the time of year to discuss death – specifically, death by wild animal.
According to a study conducted by what I’m sure is a reliable research organization called “Man Vs. Beast,” the creature in the United States that’s most likely to kill you is a “large mammal.” I assumed that meant bears or whales or NFL linemen, but it turns out America’s deadliest creature is the deer.
In an average year, Bambi and her pals gun down 120 people.
A closer examination of the data reveals most of those fatal incidents involve not firearms but motor-vehicle collisions. Still, it’s past time our lawmakers took action to restrict anyone sporting antlers from accessing guns. You can’t be too careful.
Worldwide, deer don’t rank particularly high on the death scale. Mosquitos kill way more people, followed by murderous human beings. Snakes take third place.
However, considering just the U.S., other top-ranked homicidal animals include dogs (28 deaths annually), cows (20), horses (20) and black widow spiders (7). Bears, alligators and mountain lions finish in a tie for sixth, each averaging one death per year.
The same as cone snails.
Cone snails?
According to the book “How to Die in the Outdoors: 150 Wild Ways to Perish” by Buck Tilton, many seemingly benign animals are capable of doing us in. Take beavers, for instance. Attacks are rare, Tilton says, but, “If they can bite down a tree, there will surely be no problem in biting through your leg.”
If provoked, the seemingly gentle mongoose will go for your neck, severing arteries with its sharp teeth. I anticipate your objection to this warning. “Al,” you’ll say, “there aren’t any mongooses … er, mongeese … er, whatever you call ‘em … in Maine.” Experts say there aren’t any mountain lions here, either, but plenty of people claim to have seem them. If biologists are wrong about something as large as a panther, there’s no chance they’ll spot a tiny mongoose. There are probably whole colonies of them hanging out in Eustis, which explains why you never see a cobra in Franklin County.
By the way, the plural is “mongooses.”
Also, I’m not sure those things in Eustis are mongooses. They could be meerkats. I can’t tell them apart.
Back to mountain lions. The big cats do occasionally make a meal out of one of us. In his book, Tilton advises that if you find yourself face to face with a cougar, “Try to appear fierce and unappetizing.” Sort of like the special at Taco Bell.
What we do have in Maine is moose. According to Tilton, this largest member of the deadly deer family is “particularly easy to offend, especially in the season of the rut.” A horny bull will attack cars, sink boats, knock over buildings and down low-flying planes.
The good news is that once a moose has ripped your flesh with his antlers and crushed your bones with his hooves, he often gives up while you’re still alive. Bullwinkle just walks away, leaving your carcass for cone snails.
Another beloved – but deadly – Maine creature is the bald eagle. Sharp beak. Powerful talons. The ability to dive at 90 miles per hour. If a 15-pound eagle slammed into your head, you’d be toast. Tilton does point out that there’s no record of this ever happening, but nevertheless offers sage advice: “Do nothing to upset an eagle.”
The above-listed creatures are only a small sample of those seeking to kill you. Even as you read this, murder hornets may be migrating toward us. Maine amphibians, long envious of their poison-arrow cousins in South America, could be evolving similar toxic defenses. Sharp-toothed seals can’t be written off just because none of them has ever killed a human.
In short, your chances of surviving in the outdoors could be worse than winning the lottery.
Of course, if you stay home, another person will do you in.
This column (in slightly different form) originally appeared in The Maine Sportsman, and is republished here because I’m too lazy to write during the holidays. I’m also too lazy to answer emails sent to aldiamon@herniahill.net.
