Franklin Countys First News

Politics & Other Mistakes: Questionable answers to unanswerable questions

Al Diamon

In these uncertain times, you probably have many concerns about what the future holds. I don’t have a clue, but I’m willing to fake it by making stuff up.

Q: Maine faces a budget shortfall next fiscal year that may total more than $1 billion. What can be done about all that red ink?
A: This is an easy one. While the coronavirus has shut down much of the state’s economy, it’s also produced a bumper crop of idiots who claim not to believe the problem is real. Folks like Rick Savage, the owner of Sunday River Brewing; Paul LePage, former governor-like object; and John Eder, ex-Green Independent Party legislator turned populist crank, all advocate removing nearly all restrictions on commerce, entertainment and education in order to get the money flowing again. These delusional chowder brains have the combined medical knowledge of a packing crate, but nevertheless contend that the worst is over, and shutdowns and quarantines are no longer needed. It’s time to put their hallucinations to good use. The state should impose a hefty levy on anyone demonstrably divorced from reality. I call it the Pinhead Tax. Medical marijuana patients would be exempt.

Q: Why is the state Department of Labor having such a difficult time processing unemployment claims?
A: For years, joblessness had been at record lows in Maine, during which time bureaucrats at the labor department had little chance to exercise their skills. Their abilities to perform simple tasks atrophied to the point where they had trouble recalling how to answer the phone. Subsequently, the state hired the geniuses who developed Windows 8 to design a computerized system to perform the tasks previously handled by human beings, such as telling desperate people to call back later, placing callers on perpetual hold and sending benefits to scammers with stolen identities. There were numerous complaints, so, the department decided to just hand a fat check to anybody who asked. If it turned out they weren’t really unemployed, that computer system would probably be able to figure out how to get the money back. Some day.

Q: How come the Maine Department of Health and Human Services and the Maine Center for Disease Control and Prevention seem so reluctant to release statistics that virtually all other states give out, such as the number of positive tests for coronavirus in each town or the number of people who tested negative statewide? Wouldn’t this be valuable information for the public to have?
A: What are you, some kind of Chinese spy? Don’t you think our enemies (Iran, North Korea, New Hampshire) would love to have this intelligence, so they could use it against us? I suppose you also want the super-secret Maine Information and Analysis Center run by the State Police to stop monitoring your phone, keeping clandestine records on who’s bought a gun, and spying on protesters opposing Central Maine Power’s plan to rip up the wilderness for electrical lines to Massachusetts. When that happens, the terrorists win.

Q: So, what’s the point of those daily briefings the center keeps holding?
A: It’s all about showcasing Dr. Nirav Shah, the center’s director. He’s the new sexy. One look at him explaining why, although the numbers show that things might be getting worse, maybe they aren’t, and you forget all about Gov. Janet Mills’ fumbling approach to deciding what should be open and what shouldn’t be. Dr. Shah just exudes pheromones or whatever those little airborne buggers are that make you horny. You can even feel them when watching his news conferences on a video feed. If it weren’t for social distancing, everyone in the state would be lining up to jump his bones.

Q: Now that restaurants in 12 of the state’s 16 counties have been allowed to reopen, is it really safe to go out to eat?
A: It is if you can avoid pinheads. Remember, no matter what Trump says, hydroxychloroquine can’t prevent stupidity.

I wear a mask in public for more reasons than just avoiding COVID-19. But you can safely contact me at

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6 Responses »

  1. AL:

    The Department of Labor has problems processing checks for two other reasons.
    1. Historically and perpetually, unemployment compensation claims have and always will be processed with a presumption of fraud..
    2. There were more than a few claims flied last month.

  2. Oh my, the questionable answers begin to make sense -worrisome.

  3. In my world when the checkbook runs out you simply stop spending. We will see what happens when the public teat starts to dry up. Probably the same thing we allways do since we left the gold standard, dig out that credit card. We can let our small business go bankrupt but stop the presses if our service groups are expected to share the pain. Capitalist my ass and these are the same people that would talk Bernie S. down. If we dont slow down on the public credit card some one is going to have to admit its back door socialism.

  4. Al,
    You say you wear a mask but unless you shave that thing off your face you're doing something useless.
    Just like this piece you wrote here,,,
    But if it makes you feel good,,,

  5. "These delusional chowder brains have the combined medical knowledge of a packing crate". Al, you are a member of that group. Can't believe you are bad mounting yourself.

    Private Planet...thank you!

  6. Well said, Al