Politics & Other Mistakes: Take the gamble

Governments need stuff to regulate. Otherwise, we wouldn’t need governments.

Fortunately for our government, Maine has all sorts of substances and activities that, left unregulated, would threaten the very stability of society.

Like, for instance, milk.

In this state, government sets the minimum price at which moo juice can be sold in order to safeguard us from the looming threat of cheap milk.

Maine also has an entire department dedicated to protecting consumers from the dangers posed by unlicensed landscape architects, rogue cosmetologists, outlaw athletic trainers and ersatz interior decorators. Which is why terrorists will never undermine America using ugly shrubs, bad haircuts, flabby abs or hideous lampshades.

And, as I’ve noted many times before, Maine does a first-rate job of making sure locally sold liquor is always offered at artificially inflated prices, thereby shielding us from the hazards posed by inexpensive cocktails. Also, it boosts New Hampshire’s booze profits.

I’m proud to pay taxes to support these vital regulatory efforts. Although, to be strictly accurate, I’m lying about that.

These government-imposed restrictions hardly comprise a complete inventory of the areas in which the publicly funded bureaucracy protects us with its meddling. Compiling such a list would require far more space than my meager weekly allotment – even if I deleted all the smart-ass comments. But I must mention one subject of government regulation that’s even more irrational than those above:

Gambling.

Betting on things is perfectly legal so long as it’s done through the state-run lottery, by investing in the stock market or by buying a raffle ticket to benefit the church building fund. It’s also OK to wager at state-sanctioned horse racing tracks, off-track betting parlors, Indian-run high-stakes bingo games, aboard the ferry from Portland to Nova Scotia or in either of Maine’s two voter-approved casinos.

But that’s it.

Well, except for online gambling sites, football pools and under-the-table payoffs for all manner of gaming at fraternal and veterans clubs. None of which is legal. But, hey, you can’t effectively regulate everything, and sometimes you have to cut otherwise-law-abiding citizens some slack in order to prioritize resources to make sure those landscape architects aren’t running amuck.

In spite of the fact that gambling is a societal norm, the Maine Legislature remains convinced that it falls into the category of insufficiently regulated fun. So it recently spent $150,000 to hire a consultant to figure out how the state can to do a better job of making it more complicated for its citizens to engage in games of chance.

Unlike another recent consultant’s report paid for with taxpayer dollars, this one doesn’t appear to be plagiarized. Its recommendation that Maine should license two more casinos – an big one run by corporate interests in the south to suck in tourists, and a small one run by Native Americans in the north to suck in Native Americans – isn’t exactly original, but you can’t criticize somebody for stating the obvious.

Well, actually you can if you’re paying them 150 grand.

Among the reports other suggestions are that Maine take bids for new casinos, with the license fee starting at $1 million a year for the first five years. Plus a $300,000 application fee. Don’t forget the annual $100 payment for each slot machine. The required $250 million initial investment in the facility. And the 3 to 4 percent of profits each year that must be plowed back into capital improvements.

Existing casinos aren’t subject to most of these regulations. Instead, they write checks to the state totaling over $50 million per year that fund such vital services as harness racing, education, breeding harness-racing horses and operating the Maine Gambling Control Board, which oversees their operations and wouldn’t otherwise be necessary. So there’s an obvious public benefit.

I’m not a consultant. Although I would like to be one when I grow up, because unlike my other occupational options – homeless person, welfare recipient, newspaper columnist – it pays well and doesn’t require much thinking. But if I were a consultant, I’d offer Maine’s government some contrarian advice:

Let the marketplace decide how much gambling the state needs.

Sure, charge anybody who wants to open a casino a six-figure application fee and seven-figure license fee. Require them to pay for the oversight needed to make sure they’re not running crooked games. And force them fork over a portion of their profits for worthy public projects, such as hiring consultants.

But let anybody without a conviction for unlicensed athletic training or applying off-the-books hair extensions open all the casinos they’d like. Most of them will fail, but so what?

Eliminating government’s responsibility to limit gambling in Maine will free up resources for the state to regulate an industry that really needs it:

Consultants.

Call my bluff by emailing aldiamon@herniahill.net.