Franklin Countys First News

Politics & Other Mistakes: The Shawn Moody guide to governing

Al Diamon

Some people (by which I mean me) have always thought Republican gubernatorial candidate and car-repair magnate Shawn Moody was a clueless boob when it came to figuring out how state government operates. But to my surprise, a recently de-classified document from a nonexistent source shows that Moody has developed a stunningly original approach to dealing with the finer points of political interactions. Here are a few representative excerpts:

According to Moody, the three branches of government are the executive, the legislative and the transmission.

Moody has said the state is over-spending on education. To correct that, he’d eliminate everything above the eighth grade.

Except for classes in auto repair. And welding. And like that. The rest is just arts, global warming and sex education that we’d be better off without.

To deal with the opioid crisis, the GOP nominee would lower taxes. Low taxes make everyone happy, so they won’t want to use drugs. This is proven science. He learned that in eighth grade.

To deal with that aforementioned global warming, Moody would lower taxes. With more money in their pockets, Maine people would be able to afford all that new oceanfront property.

Candidate Moody is in favor of immigration, so long as those people don’t come anywhere near here. If they do, they should be required to take welding classes.

And he thinks maybe we should build a wall. And get New Hampshire to pay for it. Not only will that strengthen our southern border, it will also make it tougher for Mainers to sneak into the Granite State to buy cheap booze. Another benefit: It’ll make it harder for young people to leave Maine for better-paying jobs elsewhere. Three problems solved with one solution.

To fix the dysfunctional state Department of Health and Human Services, Moody would change its name to the Department of Nonexistent Services. He knows it’s all about managing expectations.

Moody favors sensible restrictions on the sale of recreational marijuana. Such as forbidding it altogether and thrashing anyone who tries it. You shouldn’t need pot if you’ve got lower taxes.

As for Medicaid expansion, Moody is in favor of it so long as no taxpayer money is involved. Also, no doctors or medicine.

He’s against that referendum on the November ballot to raise taxes to pay for home health care for everyone who needs it. Heat up some chicken soup and sneeze into your sleeve. That’s real home health care.

On school safety, Moody has abandoned his earlier suggestion that all teachers be armed with fire extinguishers that they’d use to spray active shooters, so that their guns wouldn’t overheat and ignite flammable materials in classrooms. Instead, he’d arm all teachers with Super Soaker squirt guns. Much cheaper.

Moody would outlaw all abortions, except to save the life of the mother or when prenatal testing determines the fetus is likely to develop into a Democrat.

When it comes to transgender rights, Moody favors manual over automatic. Oh wait, that’s transmission rights. He has no idea what that other thing is.

Unless it’s all that commotion about guys using the girls’ bathroom. If so, he’s on record as believing they should put the seat up before they go and put it down afterwards. Also, no peeing in the sink.

Speaking of which, Moody believes the best way to save Maine’s forest-products industry is to get everyone to use more paper. That starts in the bathroom.

To reduce the high cost of housing, particularly in southern Maine, Moody has a plan to forbid people from living in southern Maine. There’s plenty of space in Aroostook County.

Should Central Maine Power be allowed to build transmission lines across the western Maine wilderness to deliver Canadian hydro power to Massachusetts? Moody is in favor of anything with the word “transmission” in it.

Unless it involves sexually transmitted diseases.

When it comes to alternative energy, Moody likes wind turbines (they have transmissions), but not solar panels. We already have too many panels and commissions. They never produce anything of value.

Should the state be spending more to improve the condition of our roads and bridges? Before we do that, Moody thinks we ought to consider how our crumbling infrastructure creates hundreds of jobs in vehicle repair. And there’s always the chance Domino Pizza will fill our potholes at no charge.

That’s putting the free in free enterprise.

Shift into high gear and email comments to aldiamon@herniahill.net.

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23 Responses »

  1. Ah, Al,

    Once again you have caused me to spit coffee out my nose all over my iPad. Shame on you.

  2. All this guy is is Lepage Light but without Lepage's dazzling intellect. Don't vote for him.

  3. But Captain..... It is either him or Maine's answer to Hillary... I guess I select him not her.

  4. Al’s negative screeching represents democrats perfectly; they’ve got nothing else.

  5. You're not fooling a soul. If she had an R next to her name,you would over come your dislike for women and vote for her.

  6. Pure rubbish of an article. No surprising from him! It might be tongue-in-cheek but inappropriate at this point in time.

  7. Isnt that typical democrat nonsense. No healthy dialogue just play the sexism card. Janet Mills has been a radical partisan her whole life. She has never showed any sign of wanting to work with both sides. She's a tax and spend politician who doesn't seem capable of compromise, only obstruction and division. I don't care what gender she is, what I care about is that she is bad for Maine. By virtually every measure, our state is in great shape. Why allow Janet Mills to undo the phenomenal success of the last 8 years?

  8. So much tunnel vision. I do hope this was an attempt at humor. Otherwise, it shows just how disrespectful you and your lot have become. I suppose like most "celebrities", you think that expressing your individual views and opinions is a way to sway your audience into voting a particular way. I suppose that's ones right to free speech and allows for it. However, based on the intelligence level and gullibility of said audience, it approaches the definition of "Influence Peddling". Please, keep working at that humor attempt, it is your better talent.

  9. After reading this article.....Moody still sounds better than Mills!!

  10. So the TP conservative snowflakes come out in droves to emotionally react.... Republicans control our Government and still seem to mess it all up. They currently get their way by whining, screaming, victim blaming, attacking, lying, and so much blame blame blame blame and at this point there's nothing more ironic and hilarious as how they react when they get offended. And of course when they blame the "Other" for their own misguided ways.

  11. Slamo...You do know that "snowflake" is a term given to people not emotionally mature enough to accept ideas that they don't share. Your tirade makes you a "snowflake".

  12. Mr Diamon,

    Thank you for your article on Shawn Moody, it convinced me to vote for him.

    Regina

  13. Mess it all up?????? All I've seen for a LONG time now are Leftists trying to silence free speech, fight against constitutional rights, pushing identity politics, trying to rile up everyone, engaging in violent acts and threatening revolution! That is how snowflakes act when they can't get their way by abusing the judicial system to force their agenda on all of us.

    The OTHER half of the gov't is responsible for the lowest unemployment in 50 years, an incredibly successful economy, even-handed and logic-driven confirmation hearings and a conservative Supreme Court as a result. I am grateful that you Lefties dropped the mask! Might as well fight for socialism, open borders, no immigration control, public school indoctrination and radical taxation out in the open! It's VERY good to know what you're NOT voting for, after all...even today they are calling for a boycott on their OWN STATE, Maine!!

    Moody will help MAGA. Let's not undo the achievement Maine, hey?! Moderate Dems, climb aboard, there's room for YOU Manchin-type folks, too!! Your party left the station for Venezuela without you! #walkaway

  14. Moody playing the ayuh aw shucks Mainer angle while being afrom Northern Mass is truly obnoxious. Has he spent any time in rural Maine to understand the issues we face? Doubtdul. And the Maine GOP will continue to provide low energy talking points and yelling about socialists and Pelosi.

  15. Education savings?....more children in classrooms, eliminate all sports, art, music, phys ed, field trips, enrichment activities, specialists? Where will he draw the line?

  16. Who am I kidding? I couldn't find Venezuela on a map of South America and have no idea what goes on there. I heard some shock jock say it. I never had much luck thinking.

  17. ...other than eating pets because the socialists have destroyed the economy, of course...I'm pleased you wanted to use my 'handle' to insult me, it means I struck a chord :) Now I'll post using a different one each time.

    #Walkaway

  18. Did you reread the article before submitting it? This is the dumbest thing I have read today. And that is after vis it thing CNN and FOX

  19. I realize you are going for the humor but how insulting can one person be?

  20. Hopeless, I'm well aware of the TP connotation to snowflake and it's about as immature and ineffective as calling someone a stinky booger face. I repeat, you and many on here are conservative snowflakes and that seems okay. In the land of Make Believe you are right and everything is always done by someone other than you. That way you are never at fault. All I do is point out the irony. They're all kinds of snowflakes on here that think their special and if you don't believe me just read the triggered and full of brainwashed Pavlovian dribble in OverRegulated's post. It's like they have every conservative conspiracy theory and news station on full tin foil hat mode. Conservative snowflakes are fully trained to trigger when someone is identified as the bogyman "liberal" and what follows is a generic propaganda induced rant of foaming mouth lies for their master. Yes its like mindless servitude that effectively reinforces force fed beliefs but lacks free thought. Training people to overreact and repeatedly spew twist facts is a TP specialty that is duty free of worry becasue we all have nice safe spaces to hide behind with these clever posting names. Love you buddy, the truth is we should be helping each other build bridges to better our community but instead we a re building walls that separate neighbors for out of state big money billionaires. Sorry gotta go, I'm off to work at my second job to pull in a 60 hour week so I can get by.

  21. Who are the politically violent people in society right now? Who have been for 50 years or more? Who are the bullies? "Snowflake" is a lot nicer than"Nazi", don't you think? Esp. since Nazis were socialist...

    Yeah, Pavlovian dribble, LOL. The facts speak for themselves. Talk 'community' and 'unity' while you bully, slander, burn and destroy. People aren't stupid (tho you seem to opine otherwise), they see where the discord is coming from. Pavlovian? Orwellian. Walk Away. 20% of Obama voters went on to vote for Trump, you know!

    Here are just a few Democrat Party 'ideals' as we go into the midterms. I picked these up simply from watching CNN, by the way.

    - The Supreme Court is now a sham because the Left lost control of it
    - The Constitution is meaningless
    - The Electoral College must go
    - Our borders must go (abolish ICE)
    - We should be assumed to be guilty until we prove our own innocence
    - Mob rule is patriotism; bullying and beating will occur until the Left regains power of Congress (HRC)

  22. @WalkAway, I admire your total commitment to reich-wing drivel (not dribble BTW), wrongheaded though it may be. Remember to vote on Nov. 7th, :)

  23. Zaphod: again, comments like yours simply highlight how nasty the Left is; when they can't debate the issue, they make personal insults and now attacks. All one need do is take a look at the violence and hatred in the country today, and note who is responsible. I invite anyone to check out the items I posted there, get your own info. Then Walk Away.

    I KNOW you know that the Reich was the creation of National Socialists (similar to today's Democratic Socialists), not constitutional conservatives, but as a good Alinksyite, you can't help but put that on people who want to shrink gov't power and give you your rights back.

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