Franklin Countys First News

Politics & Other Mistakes: U.S. Senate candidates ranked

Al Diamon

Here’s a list of everybody who might run for the U.S. Senate in 2020, starting with those who have some chance of winning and descending into the sewage-splattered depths.

1. Republican incumbent Susan Collins. She could be kidding about seeking another term, but if not, she’ll have plenty of money and a squishy base of GOP supporters, who long for somebody more consistently conservative.

2. Adam Cote, failed candidate for Congress and governor. He’s a lackluster campaigner, but as a veteran and nominal moderate (Jared Golden without the charm), Cote is that rare Democrat with a chance to gain traction in rural Maine.

3. Democratic 1st District Rep. Chellie Pingree. Can a boring old leftist attract a following in the 2nd District? Maybe, if it’s Bernie Sanders.

4. Hannah Pingree, daughter of Chellie, former House speaker, current state innovation czar. She inherited that boring gene, but with proper therapy and lots of money, she could manage to lose credibly.

5. Sara Gideon, current House speaker. She’s hard at work seeking donations, but she oversees a raucous Democratic caucus containing enough kooks to tarnish anyone’s reputation.

6. Daniel Kleban, Democrat and co-owner of the Maine Beer Co. in Freeport. My bias is showing. The deliciousness of his product gained him at least eight places on this list.

7. Betsy Sweet, former Democratic gubernatorial candidate, ex-lobbyist, LGBTQ activist and holder of séances. But she doesn’t seem to be channeling a candidacy.

8. Seth Berry, Democratic state representative. His specialty is renewable energy issues, which is just as good as specializing in beer. Wait. No, it isn’t.

9. Mark Eves, another former Democratic House speaker. The ex-gubernatorial candidate hasn’t said a thing about running. I just put him on this list because I can.

10. Rosa Scarcelli, developer and failed Democratic gubernatorial candidate. Her background is riddled with intra-family lawsuits, and her husband got caught violating campaign disclosure rules for running an anonymous anti-Eliot Cutler website.

11. Susan Rice, former Obama national security advisor and nonresident of Maine, although she vacations here in the summer, so she knows our local issues, such as the rising price of lobster rolls.

12. Emily Cain, former legislator, current executive director of a pro-choice PAC and, as a congressional candidate, the only person ever to lose an election to Bruce Poliquin. Twice.

13. Shenna Bellows, Democratic state senator, got clobbered by Collins in her last Senate race. No way she’d subject herself to that again.

14. Cecile Richards, former president of the Planned Parenthood Federation of America. She doesn’t live here, but her mother or some relative did.

15. Paul LePage, former Republican governor and another person who doesn’t live in Maine.

16. Danielle VanHelsing, transgendered activist, running as an independent. If she’s related to the VanHelsing who killed Dracula, there goes the vampire vote.

17. Zak Ringelstein, the Democratic-socialist who ran against Angus King in 2018, finishing third in a three-way race. He’s lived in Maine longer than Susan Rice or Cecile Richards, but just barely.

18. Some insane GOP right-winger. Is Seth Carey busy?

19. Cathleen London, a Democrat and doctor reprimanded last year by the state medical board for berating patients if she discovered they were Trump supporters. Also for sloppy record-keeping.

20. Ethan Strimling, Portland’s Democratic mayor, says he’s not running. But if he wins re-election this November, his ego will convince him he’s been given a mandate to seek higher office.

Add your name to the list by emailing aldiamon@herniahill.net.

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16 Responses »

  1. Wah Wah

    I gather Al didn't spend much time this weekend looking through Mills law school year books or take a head count on who on his list has signed up for the Socialist Green New Deal besides himself. Ten years left, Tick Tock, better see the world now or pay the price for that train ticket to Hawaii in 2029.

  2. I'd also back Kleban.

  3. Cain wasn’t the only one to lose to Poliquin; Golden did as well...

  4. @Hutch: Ha-ha, that must be a DBD winner for fastest and most completely nonsensical comment ever! Think twice type once.

    I'm not sure who will run for Senate next year but anyone other than Collins will do... Maybe. I'm sick of reading how much dirty money our Senator made off her votes. Dirty.

  5. And Trump lost to Hillary. The little Bush kid lost to Gore. Pray tell Captain Corndog;What is your point?

  6. I should run for 2020 as well, as Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has shown you can easily get into politics with little to no knowledge of the political process simply by promising free stuff with no means of paying for it other than taxing the crap out of the rich until they decide to move away and then inevitably move the burden on to the middle class. I would probably win by a landslide!

    As a plus, I have never gone blackface! I'll put that as my campaign slogan, because if the Virginia fiasco going on has taught me anything, it's that going blackface thirty years ago is much worse than advocating for infanticide! (And we wonder why society is so screwed up.)

    And by Danielle VanHelsing potentially loosing the vampire vote, does that mean ranked choice voting, a means of winning an election through sucking third party candidates dry of their lifeblood (votes), wouldn't work in the event that this candidate runs?

    Cheers,
    Shamus

  7. we've been visited by bizarro-captain planet

  8. Richard, lashing out with name calling reveals a possibly serious emotional issue. There must be a reason for using such a hurtful word as corndog! Perhaps a hug will help start the road to recovery.
    BTW, liberal Maine voters overriding the constitution’s intent doesn’t make it right.

  9. LePage would be great.

  10. Adam Cote appeared locally during his recent primary campaign and was not nearly so "lackluster" as Mr. Diamon suggests. I was impressed and nearly voted for him but decided that Janet Mills had a better resume.

  11. Captain Planet, I have to correct you. Liberal SOUTHERN Maine voters over rode the constitution. The second CD didn't fall for the scam. And in Richards world Hillary Clinton and Al Gore were both elected president? No wonder he seems grumpy! What a terrible nightmare to experience. I truly feel sorry for him.

  12. Susan Collins pretends to be a contemplative independent. In reality, she is an indecisive opportunist. She stands back while her colleagues stake out their positions, and then she votes based on whatever is popular at the moment. Her spineless lack of conviction causes her to routinely betray one constituent group or another since she has promised her support to anybody that would give her a campaign donation.

  13. Arnold... we now have your opinion of Sen. Collins... Now tell us how independent the Senator that runs as an Independent is... He has to check with Miz pLousey to decide how to vote..

  14. Mr Angus King is a CLASSIC POLITICIAN.
    I will never forgive him for ushering in these senseless wind turbines, then running away to THE Washington DC SWAMP.

    The only thing uglier is them,,, when they have deteriorated into A Rusty pile with no funding to clean up the mess. Because there's no money in "that"part..
    Shame on you Angus King.

  15. Mr. R..... Angus did not run away... He went back home where his roots are... and took the money from Maine with him...

  16. @ Arnold

    The term 'indecisive opportunist' in Democrat-speak translates into the much less crass phrase 'evolving on the issues'. Susan Collins needs a way to appeal to as many tribalist factions as possible and so she evolves as she sees fit.

    In order to fully understand the thought process of Susan Collins, we must first look into what she is. She belongs to a species of rapidly evolving invertebrate hominids known as 'Politicians'. The name is taken from the word 'politics', which in turn comes from Greek word 'Poly' which means 'many', and 'tics', which are bloodsucking parasites.

    The subspecies of this invertebrate hominid comes in colors such as Red (dominant subspecies), Blue (another dominant subspecies), Green (rendered extinct by the super-predator simply known as 'RCV'), Purple (the subspecies Susan Collins belongs to - recently put on the endangered watch list due to drawing the ire of the Blue subspecies), and Indecisive Blue (a subspecies that claims to be independent but feels the need to side with the Blue subspecies in order to try to make themselves seem relevant and not be rendered extinct by the 'RCV' super-predator).

    This species of invertebrate hominids subsists on a single food type and can only ingest it in copious amounts at a time in gluttonous frenzies. The foodstuffs they consume is a green papery tree product known as 'money', and will do literally anything for it even if it means the death and suffering of others. This 'money' when consumed in exorbitant amounts allows them to secrete a substance known as 'power', which they use to exert influence over other species and subspecies and bring them under their control, with their ultimate goal being total world domination and the stripping of basic freedoms of other species and destruction of individuality.

    I suppose I got a bit carried away there. Long story short, your description of Susan Collins is applicable to pretty much all politicians, as they are a group that changes with the zeitgeist in order to garner votes. Once upon a time the Democrats eschewed homosexual marriage, but when people became more and more desensitized to such a notion, the Democrats decided to incorporate it into their platform in order to tap into this growing voter base. The majority of elected officials, as contemplative as they seem, only care about the next election season so they can continue getting their fat paychecks and shady money from outside parties. It's second nature to them to always be looking for ways to make themselves look more appealing.

    Cheers,
    Shamus

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